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Article by Alan Henderson (1993)

Coll Tar Soap. The unabridged version
 

Five hundred tons of tarry chips arrived at Coll one day.
They came on one of Gardener's ships, new surfaces to lay
Upon the meagre single-tracks they Coll the Queen s highway
That wander forth from Arinagour right out past Cornaig Bay.

 

The workmen were all ready with a muckle great machine
That lays the tarmac perfectly, it's called a Barber-Green,
They'd a tipper and a loader and a brush to sweep things clean.
And each worker had a shovel, so he had somewhere to lean.

 

But the Barber-Green's digestive tract had insufficient power

To digest and then disgorge the chips that lay at Arinagour

Though the workers fought and struggled for the best part of an hour,
Before sitting by the wayside there, their pieces to devour.

 

Now a constipated Barber-Green, I think you might agree,

Is not a thing of beauty nor of great efficiency,

And the chips were all congealing where they'd landed on the quay,
So somebody decided they should ditch them in the sea.

 

It appears that this decision, which was called for with some haste,
To the canny Collach cottars seemed to be a shameful waste,

So the word went round the island, and the Collachs promptly raced,
To avail themselves of bounty so propitiously placed.

 

The crofters came with tractors and the cottars came with pails,
They had tarry chips in barrows, and if you believe the tales,

They had poly-bags and pocketsful and boxes stacked like bales,
And they moved so fast behind them they were leaving vapour trails.

 

There was tarmac laid round steadings, tarmac paths down to the shore,
Tarmac paths round byres and buildings where no path had led before,
For the first time in Coli's history, a path to every door

Had been neatly laid with tarmac - it was tar and chips Galore.


But alas this happy chapter in the island's history,

Took a rather mournful turning when the ferry from Tiree,
Brought the Polis to the island to investigate the spree,
And the disappearing tarmac from the island's quay.

 

It was easy hiding whisky from the SS POLITICIAN

Not so simple hiding tarmac that has hardened in position,
So the constable would seem to have a fairly easy mission
Without need to get assistance from the major crimes division.

 

He took statements, dished out cautions and had witnesses to see,
But at last the lawman finished and went homeward to Tiree,
Leaving half the island wondering just how long they would be free,
I can say no more at present since it's sub judice.

 

It's a matter for the fiscal in the Oban Sheriff Court,

To take action on the basis of the constable's report,

But he'll maybe view it kindly as a bit of island sport,

From a real misunderstanding not worth bringing into court.

 

Now some future archaeologist may find that Coll possessed,

The worst roads in the island that lie out to Scotland's west,

But all his excavations will assuredly attest

To Coll's well constructed footpaths that must surely rank the best.

 

Images associated with this article:-

Coll Tar Soap
Coll Magazine - Article by Alan Henderson

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