The Census

The Senses taker in our town bein taken sick he deppertised me to go out for him one day, and as he was too ill to give me informashun how to perceed, I was consekently compelled to go in blind. Sittin down by the road side I drawd up the follerin list of questions which I proposed to ax the peple I visited:

Wat’s you age?
Whar was you born?
Air you marrid, and if so how do you like it?
How many children hav you, and do they sufficiently resemble you as to proclood the possibility of their belongin to any of your nabers?
Did you ever have the measels, and if so how many?
Have you a twin brother several years older than yourself?
How many parents hav you?
Do you read Watt’s Hims regler?
Do you use boughter tabacker?
Air you trubeld with biles?
How does you meresham culler?
State whether you air blind, deaf, idiotic or got the heaves?
Do you know any Opry singers, and if so how much do they owe you?
What’s the average of virtoo on the Ery Canawl?
If 4 barrils of Emptins pored onto plase can Dion Bourcicault write in a year?
Is beans a regler article of diet in your family?
How many chickens hav you, on foot and in the shell.
Air you aware that injianny wisky is used in New York shootin galrys instid of pistils, and that it shoot furthest?
Was you ever at Niagry Falls?
Was you ever in the Penitentiary?
State how much pork, impendin crysis, Dutch cheese, popler suvrinty, standard poetry, childrens’ strainer's, slave code, catnip, red flannel, ancient histry, pickled tomaters, old junk, perfoomery, coal ile, liberty, hoop skirt, &c, you have on hand?

But it didn’t work, I got inot a row at the fust house I stopt to, with some old maids. Disbelievin the anwers they giv in regard to their ages I endeveed to open their mouths and look at their teeth, same as they do with hosses, but they floo into a vilent rage and tackled me with brooms and sich. Takin the senses requires experiunse, like any other bizniss.

This extract is taken from: ' An Honest Living' by Artemus Ward, published in the U.S.A. in 1866. Doubtless the questions will seem familiar since it's not long ago that our own British census, driven by some obscure bureaucratic purpose known only to distant mega-computers, rose from its 10-yearly slumber in order to generate several hundred tons of paperwork. It was amusing to find - although perhaps not surprising - that Coll boasts one or two buildings (and a few people) that defy categorisation.

For what it's worth, Coll yielded 124 households, housing 179 people, with an additional 49 empty houses and everyone was friendly and cooperative - even faced with questionnaires that were not only long and detailed but often also damp!