YOUR MEDICAL QUESTIONS ANSWERED

By Sister Murdina

Dear Sister Murdina,

I have just received a Government warning about AIDS, which I found very worrying. It mentioned various combinations of men and women, but was strangely reticent about heifers. Should they be avoided, and is it alright to give Alan Brodie cups of tea?

A Concerned Farmer

I think you are confusing AIDS (Artificial Insemination Donor Service) which Alan is in charge of, and AIDS (something completely different) which is such a problem in seamier locations, such as San Francisco and Oban. There is no need to avoid bulling heifers, and Alan may be offered tea, and scones, with impunity.

Sister Murdina

Dear Sister Murdina,

I have heard that there is a worrying mental illness which affects people living in the Hebrides, resulting in odd behaviour. Could I catch this and what are the symptoms?

Worried Blue Eyes, Carnan Road

You are probably referring to Demens Caledonia, known to the layman as McBrayne damage. The symptoms are disorientation, confusion, and various degrees of eccentricity. As it affects visitors and islanders alike it has proved difficult to isolate, research workers being overcome within hours of setting foot on Coll. There is no known cure and the condition may persist for many years after leaving the area (vide Glasgow Collachs). Many have found relief in strong drink, but this is of temporary benefit and exacerbates the condition in the long term. From your address, I guess it is already too late to avoid, but rest assured, it will pass unnoticed as long as you stay on Coll.

Sister Murdina